WOULDN’T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY U.S. PRESIDENTIAL
CANDIDATE, DEMOCRAT OR REPUBLICAN**,**GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH?*
‘My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of the Iraq regime has
been completed.
Since congress does not want to spend any more money on this war, our
mission in Iraq is complete.
This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American forces
from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days. It is now time to
begin the reckoning.
Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries which
have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is short. The United
Kingdom , Spain , Bulgaria , *
Australia , and Poland are some of the countries listed there.
The other list contains every one not on the first list. Most of the
world’s nations are on this list. My press secretary will be distributing
copies of both lists later this evening.
Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those
nations, on List 2, ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved
during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the all costs of the
Iraqi war. **THEN EVERY YEAR THERE AFTER IT’ll GO TO OUR SOCIAL SECURITY
SYSTEM SO IT WONT GO BROKE IN 20 YEARS.**
The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world
Hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.
Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? *
Call France
In the future, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this money
toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home. On that
note, a word to terrorist organizations; Screw with us and we will hunt you
down and eliminate you and all your friends from the face of the earth.
Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try France or maybe China .
I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with **France**
, Germany , and Russia . Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are
retiring from NATO as well. *
I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many UN
diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid parking
tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and
crushed. I don’t care about whatever treaty pertains to this. You creeps
have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those tickets tomorrow or
watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be turned over to some of the
finest chop shops in the world. I love New York !
A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are likely
to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to try not
pissing us off for a change
Mexico is also on List 2. Its president and his entire corrupt government
really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a couple extra thousand
tanks and infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am going to put
‘em? Yep, border security.
Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the NAFTA treaty – starting
now!
We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, we’ll be drilling for
oil in Alaska and the Gulf of Mexico and advancing the Oil Shale projects
full speed ahead – which will take care of this country’s oil needs for
decades to come. If you’re an environmentalist who opposes this decision, I
refer you to List 2 above: pick a country and move there.
It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens.
Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them by saying, ‘damn
tootin.’
Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a decent life around the world
has only earned us the undying enmity of just about everyone on the planet.
It is time to eliminate hunger in America; It is time to eliminate
homelessness in America . To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thank
you guys. We owe you and we won’t forget.
To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might want to learn to speak
Arabic.
God bless America . Thank you and good night.’
If you can read this, thank a teacher. If you are reading it in English,
thank a soldier.* *
